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1 ALMA´S BIRTHDAY PARTY
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U.S. ALMA My
dear friends! Welcome to my birthday party! You want to know
which birthday it is, yes, yes! I hear the whispers…
Well, I can assure you: at my age, one does not make a secret
of it any more. I was born in 1879. Today I am 129 years old!
ALMANIAC Mazeltov!!!
U.S. ALMA I
want to thank (person t.b.a.) for having put his beautiful
building at our disposal. It's a great pleasure to announce
the list of our most honorable guests: the illustrious painter
Gustav Klimt, who was the first man to kiss me; my peerless
piano teacher and fervent lover, poor Alexander Zemlinsky,
who was the first man to fondle my breasts, killing me gently
with his virtuoso fingers; my ravishing mentor Max Burckhard,
who introduced me to the enigmatic realm of Nietzsche, and
all my other lovers and husbands whom you may meet as our
party warms up. And last but not least, I want to announce
the grand surprise of the evening. Believe it or not, we will
have a visit from my first husband, the one and only Gustav
Mahler!
RESERL He's
here, madam, he's here! Herr Direktor Mahler has just arrived!
On a bicycle!
Mahler enters and approaches U.S. Alma to kiss her. The maid
offers him a basket of apples.
RESERL Herr
Direktor Mahler, may I offer you an apple as a gesture of
welcome?
Mahler hesitates before picking up an apple.
ALMA 1 Ah!
The director of our Royal Opera has such difficulty in choosing
an apple, no wonder his anguished decisions concerning the
repertoire of his Opera House lead only to compromise! Nothing
but compromises !
MAHLER One
must be very young and inexperienced to make such a silly
comment. Maybe just innocent. Or perhaps you have some personal
grudge against me? I wonder what it is, since I'm sure that
if I'd ever met you, I'd have remembered it to my dying day!
- Who are you?
ALMA 1 I
am Alma Schindler. And I bear you no grudge.
MAHLER Who
does then? A colleague? A friend? A fellow believer?
ALMA 1 Alex,
it's your turn. Speak up!
ZEMLINSKY Leave
me alone.
ALMA 1 Alexander!
ALL Ooops!
MAHLER You
are Alexander… Zemlinsky?
ZEMLINSKY Yes
Sir!
MAHLER The
composer?
ZEMLINSKY Yes.
MAHLER I
see!
ALMA 1 What
do you see?
MAHLER Well,
you did send me that ballet, »The Vivacious Heart«,
didn't you?
ALMA 1 No,
not the »Vivacious Heart«, but the »Vitreous
Heart«. He sent it months ago. And to this day Alexander
Zemlinsky has received no answer from you. It's simply unbelievable.
MAHLER The
ballet is worthless. I don't understand how you can defend
such rubbish. It's simply a dead herring.
ALMA 1 It's
not a dead herring at all, and it makes me suspect that you
have either failed to examine it, or else not understood it.
And in any case, you could have at least answered politely.
You could have said »no«, but you should at least
have given a response!
ALL Yes!
Yes.
MAHLER I
presume that you are a student of music?
ALMA 1 Yes
sir. I've already composed a few dozen Lieder. And the draft
of an opera!
MAHLER Oh,
really?! I'd like to get acquainted with your pieces…!
ALMA 1 starts
to play one of her songs on the piano.
ALMA 2 can
be heard from outside.
ALMA 2 Herr
Direktor Mahler! Herr Direktor Mahler!! Herr Direktor Mahler!!!
Alma 2 enters. She addresses Gustav Mahler:
ALMA 2 Herr
Direktor Mahler! This young lady's claims are pure presumption!
She's a usurper! It's my music you should listen to!
MAHLER Who
are you?
ALMA 2 I
am Alma Schindler. This woman is an impostor!
Alma 3 enters. She addresses Gustav Mahler in her turn:
ALMA 3 Herr
Direktor Mahler! Herr Direktor Mahler. Don't waste your time
on those two; it's not worth it. They're both charlatans.
Not an ounce of talent between them. It's my music you should
listen to! Come with me to my room; there I will play you
my music! And you will learn what it means to be gifted
MAHLER Who
are you?
ALMA 3 Alma
Schindler, who do you think?!
RESERL (insists:) Herr
Direktor Mahler, will you please be so kind as to finally
choose an apple?
Mahler picks up an apple. He is totally confused.
ALMANIAC Herr
Direktor Mahler, now you should offer the apple to the true
Alma, to Alma the genuine one. To Almschili. So that we can
finally get to know her, and discover what she was like! as
a connoisseur of her field, you should be able to determine
her real virtues. Be our Paris, so that once and for all we
will finally get to know the genuine, true Alma.
Mahler stares at three Almas. He is at sea.
U.S. ALMA Come
here, Jew!
MAHLER & WERFEL
(puzzled:) Yes?
U.S. ALMA (addresses the
Almaniac:) Come hither. Come to me!
The Almaniac hesitates.
U.S. ALMA Don't
fear me!
ALMANIAC Oh!
May only your friends fear you.
U.S. ALMA Speak
up so I can hear ! What did you say?
ALMANIAC I
said: „May only your enemies fear you.“
U.S. ALMA Your
name, I'm told, is Alma-Maniac?
ALMANIAC Oh
no. No, not Alma-Maniac, that's just what a few vicious people
call me.
U.S. ALMA For
many years I've wanted to meet the man they call the »Alma-Maniac«!
ALMANIAC Even
if they named me in mockery?
U.S. ALMA I
hear they call you that because of your mania to know all
there is to know about Alma Mahler-Werfel - and that is to
say, about me!
ALMANIAC Just
one glance at Alma Mahler would make any man an instant Alma-Maniac!
U.S. ALMA Ohhh!
You're far too kind! Let's get down to business. But let's
be honest, Jew! You are a Jew, are you not?
ALMANIAC But
Madam! Weren't All Alma-Maniacs Jews !
U.S. ALMA That's
true: amazingly I've always been desired by little, ugly Jews
who swarmed around me like flies to a honey pot…
MAHLER & WERFEL Thank
you.
U.S. ALMA But
this time I want your view on a special matter, which will
require all your almaniacal manic insights.
ALMANIAC But
first of all, dear lady, let's watch the following performance
which our long-time friend, the governor of California, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, (name also t.b.a.), has organized in honor
of your splendid birthday party!
The 3 Almas change into American Living Telegrams, and perform
Tom Lehrer's Alma song.
ALMA 1-3 The
loveliest girl in Vienna
was Alma, the smartest as well.
Once you picked her up on your antenna,
you'd never be free of her spell.
Her lovers were many and varied,
from the day she begun her beguine.
There were three famous ones whom she married,
and god knows how many between.
Alma, tell us: all modern women are jealous,
which of your magical wands
got you Gustav and Walter and Franz?
ALMA 1 The
first one she married was Mahler,
whose buddies all knew him as Gustav,
and each time he saw her he'd holler:
MAHLER »Ach,
that is the Fraulein I must have!«
ALMA 3 Their
marriage however was murder.
He screamed to the heavens above:
I am writing Das Lied von der Erde -
and she only wants to make love!
ALL Alma,
tell us: all modern women are jealous,
you should have a statue in bronze
for bagging Gustav and Walter and Franz.
ALMA 2 While
married to Gus, she met Gropius,
and soon she was swinging with Walter.
Gus died and her teardrops were copious.
She cried all the way to the altar.
ALMA 1 But
he did work late at the Bauhaus,
and only came home now and then.
She said: »What am I running, a chow-house?«
It's time to change partners again!
ALL Alma,
tell us: all modern women are jealous!
Though you did not even use Ponds,
you got Gustav and Walter and Franz.
ALMA 3 While
married to Walt she met Werfel,
and he, too, was caught in her net.
He married her, but he was careful,
because Alma was no Bernadette.
MEN And
that is the story of Alma,
who knew how to receive and to give.
ALMA 1-3 The
body that reached her embalma
was one that had known how to live!
ALL Alma,
tell us: how can they help being jealous?
Ducks always envy the swans who get Gustav and Walter -
you never did falter - with Gustav and Walter and Franz!
Applause and congratulations. A cake is presented to U.S.
Alma.
U.S. ALMA My
dear friends, thank you! Thank you very much! - As you can
see, we have a little problem here: there are apparently three
different girls who all claim to be the true young Alma. Obviously,
there can be only one real young Alma, as there is only one
real mature Alma, and that is Me! Consequentially two of the
girls must be fakes. So here is my problem: I do know who
I am, since no one wants to be a 124-year-old Alma, but I
don't know who I was - when I was young, alive and kicking.
Now then, my dear Almaniac, tell me as you would tell a friend:
which of these three Almas is the real me?
ALMANIAC Dear
lady, before I place myself in your hands entirely, will you
permit me to tell you a “maische” - an old story?
U.S. ALMA Why
not? Since I was a child, I've always loved a tale well told.
ALMANIAC For
countless centuries , in every generation, God has created
a woman of irresistible charm and magic power.
U.S. ALMA Whom
I hope he names “Alma”!
ALMANIAC But
of course. What else?
ALMA 1 Like
me!
ALMA 2 Like
me!!
ALMA 3 Like
me!!!
ALMANIAC Just
a minute, will you, please! - Now whoever has faith in her
power, and believes that this gorgeous Alma loves him, finds
grace with God and Man. From every generation God chooses
a man he loves best and gives him that Alma. Thus the essence
of Alma is like a diamond, refracting a thousand beautiful
colors and having the secret power to render its owner agreeable
before humanity and God. Do you follow me?
U.S. ALMA Of
course I do. Go on, go on!
ALMANIAC Then
it so happened that at the beginning of the 20th century there
were three chosen men, our Gustav, our Walter, and our Franz,
whom God loved equally alike. And all three appeared worthy
of that magic woman Alma. And God was perplexed! He grieved
to think that two of his sons would be offended and deceived!
What could he do? - He secretly commissioned a doll-maker,
a puppeteer in Munich, to fashion two puppets modeled on his
Alma, sparing no cost or effort in making them identical,
entirely identical to her. And when the three stood side by
side, God himself couldn't distinguish the true Alma from
the fake. Full of joy, he called each of our three chosen
heroes, our Gustav, our Walter and our Franz, and gave to
each of them his personal blessing - and one of his Almas,
too.
All men start to shout to one another, starting an argument
about Alma.
MAHLER Mine
was the true Alma! That's for sure! There can't be any doubt
about it!
GROPIUS Excuse
me, Gustav, Mine was the true Alma! I was the first man who
made her feel like a woman. I was the hero of her life!
WERFEL You
should be ashamed. Mine was the true Alma! I was the one she
gave herself to with total abandon.
GROPIUS Don't
flatter yourself
WERFEL That's
just your jealousy speaking.
ZEMLINSKY Maybe
she married you three, but I was her first lover! Long before
she knew you even existed! She loved me the most !
BURCKHARD It
was a false Alma that loved you, stupid! The true Alma entrusted
her mind only to me! Didn't you know that? And that is more
than the few tacky kisses she allowed you to steal.
KLIMT To
me she gave her first kiss, you wrinkled herring! The most
precious gift she had to offer! I was always the king of her
life! Read her diary! You've all been seduced by fakes! Shame
on you!
GROPIUS (to Mahler:) Shall
I tell you what Alma said about you?
MAHLER Leave
me alone! Alma loved me! And that I know for sure!
GROPIUS Well,
if you refuse to listen to what she said about you, you probably
know why. (to Werfel:) And let me tell you this, Franz: she
said that as a man, you were far from handsome.
WERFEL And
what happened to make you so boring to her after such a short
time?
GROPIUS She
found me boring?
WERFEL She
said that as a lover you were not a Kokoschka, and as a spirit
you were not a Gustav Mahler.
GROPIUS Alma,
is this true?!!
ALMANIAC Silence!
Silence!! Silence!!! Please!! No arguments! Don't quarrel!
U.S. ALMA Silence!!!
- Now finish your stupid story, please?
ALMANIAC I
have! It's finished! Don't be cross! What follows speaks for
itself: It's very easy now to find out who has had the true
and only Alma: Remember that whoever has the true Alma will
be loved by God and Man. Now, then, let each one of you bring
to light the promised virtue of your Alma, let each one of
you shine forth through your creativity and through your ability
to create and combine Goodness, Truth and Beauty in an artful
way. And let us, my dear guests, follow them on their journey
this evening, and each of us shall find out for ourselves,
and all of you for her: who was the true Alma!
(sings:) Bey mir bist du schejn, die Alma is a so schejn,
die Alma is die Schejnste oif der Welt…
ALL (sing:) Bey
mir bist du schejn, die Alma is a so schejn,
die Alma is die Schejnste oif der Welt…
ZEMLINSKY Alma!
BURCKHARD Alma!!
KLIMT Alma!!!
ZEMLINSKY What's
the matter with you all of a sudden?
BURCKHARD What's
the matter with you all of a sudden?
KLIMT What's
the matter with you all of a sudden?
The audience is divided into five groups, following
ALMA 1 & ZEMLINSKY
ALMA 2 & KLIMT
ALMA 3 & BURCKHARD
FRANZ WERFEL & WALTER GROPIUS, followed by the ALMANIAC
U.S. ALMA & MAHLER
ALMANIAC (to people who have
not yet decided:) Go, go, go! Follow them!
- Alma is chased by Gustav Klimt, the greatest womanizer of
the Austrian-Hungarian monarchy. He will steal her first kiss.
Go on! Follow them. You'll find a ticklish tidbit of juicy
gossip. - Here, here! Follow Alma and the director of the
Vienna State theatre, Max Burckard. He will try to seduce
Alma with his ingenious mind. Find out if he succeeds! - Yes,
yes, don't by shy! Go! Go! Go!! - Follow Alma and Alexander
Zemlinsky, her piano teacher. The man with the unforgettable
hands. She tries to leave him for another man. Find out who
it is! Go on, go on! Don't miss their hot embraces! - Follow
Walter Gropius, the father of Modern Architecture who claims
also to be the father of poor little Martin, found dead under
strange circumstances, and who was in fact someone else's
child! Who was it? Who did it? Franz Werfel, the world famous
author of “The Song of Bernadette” and “Jakobowsky
and the Colonel” will assist him! - Don't hesitate! Go!
Go!!
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